Caving Light
by Safe.Place.To.Read
Summary: "She can't shut her mind off for even a second unless medicated, but Toby was proving to her that maybe there was still a silver lining. Maybe there was still a way to be saved." Spencer fights the urge to revert back to drugs after a long day of fighting her demons, and Toby does his best to help her through it. Spoby.


**Hi everyone, hope you're all welllll :) This is definitely my longest one-shot, so if you have the chance please let me know what you think! I miss you guys :/**

 **Anyways, thanks so much in advance!**

 **xo,**

 **Emma**

* * *

"I can't sleep, okay? My mind won't shut off. I just, I just wanna quiet the noise," she'd told Ezra a few days before. "I need to quiet the noise."

She'd just gotten a coffee from the Brew, partially because she was too lazy to brew her own and partially because she wanted to check if maybe Toby's truck was parked somewhere close. She's been missing him a lot lately. But when she was waiting for her order, a familiar face approached her and offered her more cookies. Spencer's best guess was that Sabrina thought that was the reason she'd been there in the first place.

But she politely declined, and walked out with her coffee and sat on the curb. She's been sitting there for almost half an hour now and the Brew has since closed; Sabrina left too. She can't say she doesn't wish she'd taken the treats while she could.

It's cruel the way her head's been treating her lately. Spencer's thoughts have never been under control, exactly, but they'd never been like this. Upon returning from Charles' underground torture chamber, the idea that things would somehow be better after being out disappeared; in its place, is the new notion that things will never get better, not for anybody. There's never going to be a silver lining while psychopaths like that are still out there.

Things were the worst she's ever had it in that dollhouse and, despite being freed from it physically, in her mind she lives it over and over and over again. No mercy.

 _Please enter and follow the lighted pathway._

 _Four chimes means it's game time._

 _It won't stop until you're in your rooms._

That nightmare will always be on a seemingly endless loop, peeling and chipping away from any sanity she has left. The sirens never stop for her; she hears them all the time. And everything reminds her of what she went through. Just another trick her mind is playing on her. Just another cruel joke she doesn't find funny.

It's been taking a toll on her, to say the least. Spencer Hastings has been through a lot in her lifetime, more than her mind can even stand to think about without throwing away all her sanity. The only time her mental anguish has even been close to this was when she got admitted to Radley.

And she's not going to lie, recently her mind's been wandering to those dark times: Toby wearing a black hoodie in her kitchen, falling apart after he ran. Breaking down for hours at his back door. Isolating herself from her friends and skipping out on school. Staring mindlessly at fruit, attacking Mona, playing almost-strip-trivia with Andrew. And then there was the moment she thought she found Toby dead in the woods; the moment when she let every dark part of herself come to the surface and everything she'd ever bottled up was released. And then there was the moment she lost her mind.

But not even that quite reached this level of pain. It's not something she can explain, but going to Radley was just... different than this. Going to Radley was terrible and definitely one of the worst experiences of her life, but this agony from the dollhouse is something on an entirely different scale. And she can't seem to stop herself from thinking about it which makes it that much more unbearable for herself.

She just wants to shut it off for five minutes and the only thing that's been able to do that so far was the medicine the hospital gave her - the medicine her mother deprived from her. She just wants to shut it off, but she can't fathom the day that's going to happen for her. It just doesn't seem likely.

It's quite unclear to her where exactly she's going. Sure, she could just go home; that's probably the most practical idea. She'll go home, tuck herself into bed, ponder her existence and stay up all night. That's how it always goes.

But thinking about it now, in such a vulnerable state, it just seems so lonely... It's probably stupid and she should suck it up so she doesn't bother anyone, but Spencer just doesn't feel like being alone right now. She's not really sure if she can be, and is seriously considering hitting up some dealer or going to the liquor store. The thought scares her enough to pull her back into reality; she knows she can't revert to that.

So she calls the only person it makes sense to with this situation. Dean.

Spencer dials her number and waits for his voice to pick up. The ringing gives her a sense of anxiety and she's not quite sure why; it probably reminds her of something from the dollhouse - maybe the sirens or maybe it's something else, but she suppresses it all the same. Her heart rate rises.

 _Why isn't he picking up?_ Spencer hangs up and tries again. Since entering her life a few months ago, Dean has done nothing but help her. Sure, he bothered the hell out of her in the beginning, but ultimately he is the reason she's been able to conquer a lot of her demons. There's still a long road ahead, and a lot of it she's probably going to have to do on her own, but as long as he'll be there she's glad to know Dean's going to help her through this part of her struggles. He understands what it's like to be an addict, something nobody else in her life can relate to.

It goes to voicemail again, so she tries a few more times. But even still, there is no answer.

The next number that comes to mind is, naturally, Toby's. He has always been a place of solace for her, in both her best and darkest moments. He's just not going to be back here until tomorrow and she knows she can't see him... His voice might be enough to calm her down for a while, though. It usually is.

She's about to call him when something catches her eye. A small, plastic cup laying on the sidewalk in front of the Brew. It's nothing to the normal eye, but to her, it's the trigger to a memory... _Aspirin? Juice?_ She remembers Mona coming into the fake morgue offering them some of those things with plastic cups. She starts to tremble at even one of the more minor memories.

She needs to quiet the noise.

So, without even really thinking about it, Spencer turns to make her way toward anywhere that can give her an escape. Whether it's a dealer or a liquor store, she's not sure; it's just whatever she finds first. Maybe she'll track down Sabrina's number and take her up on her offer. It's all too much. In this moment, it's just too much to take.

But a voice stops her in her tracks.

"Spencer?"

Whipping around, Spencer is met with two icy blue eyes and a puzzled looking face. "Toby," she breathes. "What are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you that myself considering, you know, I live right here," he says with a slight smirk and a raise of a brow. He knows something is up, just by the look of her. "Are you alright?"

She nods slowly, but not at all convincingly. "I'm fine," she mumbles, looking vacantly at the sidewalk they're on. Then, a moment later, her head perks up and she allows herself to smile a little. No, scratch that; she allows herself to smile a lot. Teeth showing, eyes crinkled, the kind of smile she only does when it comes to Toby. "When did you get back? I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow."

"They let me go a little early," Toby answers, softly smiling back. "Literally just got back now. I was going to call you but I figured it was late and by the off chance you were actually sleeping, I didn't want to disturb you."

She laughs almost ominously. "Nope, still awake. But what else is new?" She wants to tell him how she was going to call him too, but then she'd have to dive into the reason why, and right now she just wants to focus on their reunion. She really missed him a lot.

Suddenly, Toby is pulling her into his arms. Then Spencer's leaning in for a kiss, and grabbing his hair for what seems like dear life. The kiss had started out sweet, like they usually do, but before they even really realize it, passion gives way and they're making out fervidly. Toby pulls away before it gets too heated, which causes Spencer to frown.

"Hey, not fair," she breathes into his face. Their mouths are still insanely close together, only now they cease to touch. Spencer sneaks another peck on his lips.

He looks at her so deeply, with an intense sort of glint within his eyes. "So are you going to tell me why you're alone in front of the Brew at 10:30 at night?"

Spencer pauses, not letting herself look at him directly. "It's not important," she tells him. It's not, not right now. "Don't worry about it, please."

"Spencer I'm sorry," he says with a frown. "I just... I wanna make sure you're okay. If something's going on, no matter what it is, just know that you can talk to me about it. If you want to. I won't, like, push you or anything but I just want you to know that I'm here."

She almost smiles at this. No, like before, it's a real smile that comes across her face. It's always like this with Toby. She can be in the worst mood or place of mind ever and he can still manage a smile out of her. She still doesn't know how he's able to do it, but it's like this all the time with him. "I missed you." She leans and closes the distance between their lips once more.

"What do you say we get out of here?" Spencer says after a few more minutes of kissing.

His eyes seem to glisten more than usual under this moonlight, and he smiles with a slight bite of his lip. "Where did you have in mind?"

"Anywhere," she responds, almost breathless. "I was thinking we could just drive."

Toby's smile broadens and his heart kind of swells. The idea is definitely alluring. "I'd love to."

And with that, he helps Spencer into the passenger seat. She buckles and Toby makes his way to the driver's side, and their seat belts click. They're off to their destination to wherever - to nowhere, to everywhere.

* * *

A few hours pass, it seems like, but it's probably more like one. Maybe two. The windows are down and they have music playing: from Ed Sheeran to Nirvana, it's a wide variety, and they enjoy every song.

They don't go very far; truthfully, they don't really go anywhere. The truck drives to their special spot on the hill, overlooking the town, and Spencer and Toby stop for a while to look at the stars every time they pass. But it's never a long stop because they get back in the vehicle and loop around again. Then they do it over.

Light conversation fills the air around them and Spencer almost feels free. She actually laughs a little and she smiles practically the entire time. The scent of the truck - a subtle mix of sawdust (from when Toby does the occasional carpentry project still) and Toby's smell in general - fills her nose, and calms her in an obscure sort of way. Some may think it's odd that a truck could have that affect on someone, but it reminds her of a simpler time. For a while there, the current monsters of her mind fade to memories of her and Toby's earlier relationship.

"This was nice," Spencer says when they pull back up to the brew. She smiles, almost content.

Toby returns the gesture. "Yeah, it was."

"I missed you."

"I don't think a second goes by that I don't miss you," Toby tells her. "See, even now I miss you and you're right next to me."

Spencer giggles. "Weirdly enough, I feel the same." God, she knows how dorky they're being, but at the same time she really doesn't care.

"Wanna head to my loft?" Toby asks. "Or I could drop you off at home."

The high of this moment has her feeling bold. She wouldn't say this under normal circumstances, but it feels right so she blurts it out. "You are my home."

Toby's heart plummets out of his chest. He feels the same, but he's never really heard her be this upfront about it. She's called him her safe place to land and other names quite like it, but _home_ was a new one. He likes the way it rolls off her tongue. Leaning in for a kiss, he lingers on her lips for a while before whispering softly, "And you're mine."

"Wait a second though," Toby says suddenly, pulling away a little after their peaceful moment passes. "If you're staying at my place, do you wanna call your mom and let her know you won't be back at the house tonight?"

"No that's okay, I already texted her before you came and told her I'd be staying at Aria's." Spencer shrugs.

He shoots her a look. "Where were you actually planning on staying?" His eyes are full of worry.

"I don't know." She shrugs again. "Anywhere. Maybe would've just walked the streets all night. I just needed a break, from things."

Suddenly, the dark mood she'd been engulfed in before reuniting with Toby returns. Toby tries to understand so he nods, and takes her hand.

"You should've called me," he tells her. "Even if I wasn't back yet, I still could've talked to you and done _something_ to help... Anything. Spencer, I'm here for you, constantly on the clock. Please know that. You have my number for a reason."

"I know, I know. I was going to call you."

Toby sighs. "That was a dangerous plan, Spencer. Wandering the streets of Rosewood on your own with -A still out there, lurking. Did you try and reach anyone else who you knew was in town?" His voice is laced in anxiety, anxiety for her safety.

"Yeah," she answers. "I tried calling Dean, the guy my parents hired as my drug counselor a while back. He didn't answer, though. I know he'll call back tomorrow. But yeah, after he didn't pick up, I knew the next number to call was yours. I didn't really have a plan, to be honest. I just needed someone to talk to."

"Well," he sighs once more, "you can always talk to me. I'm here. What's going on, Spence?"

She's not exactly sure what happened to instigate the flashback in this moment, but it happens all too suddenly. Maybe it was his sweet words that reminded her how much she doesn't deserve this boy. Maybe that reminded her of a certain instance in the dollhouse. But nonetheless, a flashback overtakes her body and consumes her completely.

She's already lost in her thoughts; it's almost like she didn't hear him. She starts to shake and her eyes well up with tears. She's grown accustomed to this feeling. _Shut your eyes and imagine his body - tattoo on his side and blood on his hand. All your fault, Spencer. All your fault. He's dead and it's all your fault... Shut your eyes and relive it or you know the cost._

Spencer blinks rapidly to try and rid the dollhouse memory from her mind, where -A had forced her to close her eyes and relive the time she'd thought she found Toby dead in the woods. It happened when she and the girls were separated in their own "rooms". She shakes her head like it will block out the noise but she is met with no such luck.

"Spencer," Toby tries. "Spence..."

She doesn't hear him, not really. She feels his arm grasping hers and she knows her feet have begun to move, but there's a certain disconnect between her body and reality. He's leading her to his loft; she knows that too.

"Let's get you to bed," he says to her, and she can make out that much. "Come 'ere."

She can feel him guide her up the stairs, and she can feel him guide her to his room. But for a while there, she can't quite feel her emotions. She's never been this numb in front of another person.

* * *

His bed is especially warm: total contrast to the ice Spencer feels on her soul. She doesn't say anything for a while for fear of spreading this freeze to Toby, who does not need any more of her collateral damage. He's already gotten enough of that.

She sits like a pretzel at the edge of his bed and stares blankly at a knob on his drawer. It's been almost twenty minutes since they've walked in the loft and she's barely spoken two words...although in her mind, she's already spoken herself to the point of annoyance. She's calmed down quite a bit, but is still very, very numb. She feels a stray tear brim in her eye.

"Hey," Toby finally finds the courage to peel the silence. He sits beside her and pulls her into his embrace, rubbing her shoulders and gently kissing her hair. "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you can't be comfortable in that jacket and those...pants."

This gets a smile out of Spencer. It's a weak one, but it's still genuine. The memory of how innocent they used to be makes her happy (but at the same time, it's sad to think how damaged they've become since then). It's bittersweet, she supposes.

Toby hands her one of his shirts, and she gladly takes it from his hands. She hadn't even realized how uncomfortable she'd been until now. "Thank you," she tells him sincerely, her voice almost inaudible but because they're so close he heard her loud and clear.

"Should I have asked 'top or bottom' this time?" Toby jokes. Spencer only hits his arm lightly in reply, a small smirk residing on her lips.

But almost as quick as her mood got slightly lifted only moments before, dark silence fills the room once again. Her smirk turns to a frown in the blink of an eye, as her mind plays another cruel trick on her. Spencer realizes now that she's crying. It's not just one tear that's brimming anymore - it's a million already falling. The memory of how they used to be and how drastically they had changed, is suddenly too much to bear. She mentally curses herself for becoming this weak, this easy to break.

No words come out of her mouth, but she buries her face into his chest. It's in this moment that she lets herself do something she rarely lets herself do in front of someone. Spencer begins to sob. Granted she's been breaking down a lot in public lately, but she's never let it get this bad. Her soul is bleeding; she's been forced to deal with a wound that's never been completely healed, and the pain is just far too much. Her sobs escalate and her breaths get shorter and shorter by the minute.

Toby pulls her in closer, holding her as tightly as it's physically possible he can. He rubs her back and traces soothing circles. He's been with her during anxiety attacks and nightmares before, and he thought he had a handle on how to calm her down - at least a little. It usually takes a while, but he's used to figuring out a way to pull her out of these times. But moments pass, and soon it's been an hour, and she's still in the same broken state, if not worse. Toby has no idea how to help her and quite honestly it breaks his heart. He doesn't even really know what he said.

Eventually, after what must have been an hour and a half or so, her sobs die down to sniffles and her breathing becomes less stuttered and more regular. Toby kisses her head.

But still she says nothing.

Normally, Toby would wait for her to be the first to talk after these moments, but after a few minutes pass and she shows no signs of saying anything, Toby takes it upon himself to speak.

"Spence," he begins softly, "do you wanna talk about it?" It might help to get some of this off her chest.

She shakes her head and finally opens her mouth. "I mean, I need to. Obviously, I need to talk about it. But... I'm not ready. You saw what just happened after only thinking about it, imagine what I'll do if I actually say it out loud. Toby, I don't... I can't..." She sniffles to hold back more sobs. It's not often she lets her guard down like this.

Toby nods in understanding. "I get it," he whispers. Still he holds her tight.

"But I know I'll feel a hell of a lot better once I get some of this out in the open," Spencer says suddenly. Her mind is an indecisive bitch. Toby takes her hand in his and rubs it encouragingly. He looks at her gently and urges her to speak.

She starts to shake a little when she shares her first piece of information about the dollhouse. She thinks about how carefully she can choose her words. Toby kisses her head once more.

"One of the things -A liked to remind me in that place is how badly I ruined your life. There was this one instance where they threatened to kill you and electrically shock me if I didn't close my eyes and relive the time I thought you were dead... -A made sure I remembered how if you did die, it would've been my fault... Then there were other things they made me relive too - bad memories - but that one was the worst. -A played a recording of your voice in the background and taunted me in this computer kind of voice - you know, the ones they have at the airports... I tried not to let it get to me but it's all true so there's no use denying it. I think about different you used to be when we first started getting close, and how badly I messed you up, and I just lose it now I guess."

He shakes his head, adamantly. "Spencer..." He tries to wrap his mind around this. "First of all, that's not - "

"Toby I swear, if you say that's not true..." Spencer interrupts. "You know it better than anybody: better than me, better than -A. I ruined your whole life. You're in this constant state of needing to protect me and worry about me; you gave up your career for me, you're still in Rosewood because of me. God, Toby, you ended up in the hospital because of me, on multiple occasions. If you say I didn't ruin your life, I won't be able to take it because that is so freaking far from true."

"Okay," he breathes, "I won't say it. But I also won't just let you go around thinking I would be better off without you, so if it's okay with you, I'm just going to kiss you until you're a little dizzy and give me chance to explain my side..."

Surprised, she barely even nods because Toby doesn't give her time to talk. Before she even realizes it, his lips are on hers again, and they're moving together in perfect sync. His hands cup her face. This was the only way Toby could think of to get her to listen; he's learned how to play his cards pretty well over the course of their relationship.

By the time they break apart, Spencer is breathing sort of heavily and Toby takes this as his opportunity to speak. "Spencer Hastings," he tells her softly, "I love you. I love you for so many reasons, but my favorite is how much better of a place you make this world for me. I've told you this before, but you literally saved my life... I was borderline suicidal when you walked into my life and I told you that before, but then you, this super bright light, knocked on my door to tutor me and nothing has been the same since. I don't care about pain, I don't care about secrets or hospitals or anything else; I only care about you. I'm not going to say you didn't ruin my life because I know you don't want me to, but I will tell you how much I love you. I'm so grateful you're in my life."

Spencer wipes a tear from under her eye, with her free hand. She's trying to fight back a smile from his touching words. "I don't know how you can say that."

A beat of silence comes upon them. The only sound is Spencer's sniffling.

"Why?" Toby breaks the moment of stillness.

Her eyes stare ahead, once again glued to a knob on his dresser. "I carved your name in your mom's headstone."

Toby winces. The thought of it still stings a little, but he's never been mad at Spencer for doing what she did. It wasn't even her who did it, not really. It was this shadow version of herself that, essentially, he had created by letting her believe he'd betrayed her like that. He never blamed her for anything she did in those dark times and he knows he never will. When she'd first told him what's t happened, he needed a second to let it sink in, but ultimately he let it go. He wasn't even really remotely upset with her, even though he knew he maybe should have been. But he wasn't; he's still not.

"Spencer," he soothes, "I told you before. It doesn't matter to me and I know it wouldn't matter to my mom. It's just a slab of marble; my mom is so much more than that... You need to forgive yourself, okay? Don't even worry about it."

She only shakes her head. "Okay, but I also cheated on you."

He winces again, because honestly that wasn't too long ago. Toby knows she would never do it again and also that he was partially to blame, but it's still a fairly fresh wound and hard for them to talk about. But even still, he knows she needs his strength right now so he fights it. "We talked about that, Spence, and I forgive you for that too. I promise, I forgive you. You don't have to feel bad about that either, not anymore. I just need you to promise me you'll forgive yourself."

"I don't know, maybe one day I will. But I just... I'm the reason for so much of your pain... Like, you went to juvie because of me and my friends. I could have stopped her but I couldn't. I didn't." She shakes her head again.

They've been over this before, how completely far from true it is. Her bringing it up again is just a testament to how poor her mental state is at the moment.

"That was all Ali. She would have done it regardless if you said anything or not," he reminds her. "And that was a long time ago; I don't even think about it anymore."

"You shouldn't have to." Spencer looks him in the eye now, intently. "It's not fair what you went through. It's not fair what happened to you then, and it's not fair what I'm putting you through now... If it wasn't for me, you would be long gone out of this town. You'd be so much better off. I don't know how you can say how much you love me when all I've ever done is keep you here and cause you pain."

Toby pulls her in closer to him, deeper into his embrace. He was holding her close before but somewhere in the midst of all this, she got so far away. He places a kiss upon her nose. "Not even true. I don't know what all -A said to you in there, and I am so sorry you had to hear any of it... But sweetheart, if anything, you've been the one good thing to enter my life. Honestly, I'm not just saying that. Nobody makes me smile as big as you do. Screw pain; I'd endure anything if it meant I could still be with you."

"I guess it's just hard to fathom, I guess," Spencer sighs. "I want to believe it."

"I know," Toby breathes. "One day, you will."

"We're just so broken...damaged. When you brought up 'top or bottom', I thought about how innocent we both used to be. I mean, obviously we weren't innocent, and we both had baggage, but we were young. You know? Now I feel like this nightmare has just aged us; I'm mentally dead. I'm so drained, Toby, but you don't need to be too. I'm dragging you down... I don't see a happy ending coming for me, but you can still find one if you're smart and get far away from me."

"Spence..." he tries, but she interrupts.

"I'm also mentally unstable. And a drug addict. I have PTSD and I don't sleep at night unless I'm medicated. Toby, I'm a mess. I'm a mess that you didn't sign up to clean when you kissed me that first time, and I'm offering you a way out."

"Spencer, I don't want a way out," he tells her. He's never been more confident in anything. "All I've ever wanted is for you to let me in. I'm with you for the long haul, do you hear me?"

She stares at him for a long while, but no words come out. She glues her eyes to his, and lays in his embrace. But she doesn't respond. After a bit, she eventually lies her head on his chest and traces tiny circles along his shirt. Everything is still for the moment. Toby wonders what she's thinking.

"Thank you," Spencer whispers after a while.

"I love you," Toby replies.

Spencer sits herself up in that moment, and reaches for the shirt he'd given her before; it's as if she just remembered she wanted to get more comfortable. She slips off her jacket and looks at Toby before taking off her shirt.

Realizing she might be somewhat weak in her vulnerable state, Toby assists in getting the clothing over her head; his hands graze her skin underneath. Spencer gasps slightly as goosebumps peek through her arms.

Her shirt is off and suddenly she remembers she's not wearing a bra, but ever-respectful Toby still slides his shirt through her arms and over her head. She leans in for a kiss. Their touch is chaste and tender, like a butterfly barely brushing a lilac tree. They each long for more so, in unison, they deepen the kiss. Spencer slips her fingers under his shirt and pushes it over his head so that he's now shirtless; she wishes now he'd never put that shirt back on her.

Spencer slides her fingers down so they rest under his belt, and slowly they begin undoing the buckle. It's in this moment that Toby realizes where things are going, and he puts their kissing on hold. "Spence, Spence... Not like this..."

"Not like what?" she says, her voice cracking a bit. She pulls back.

"I'd be taking advantage of you," he painfully explains. "You're vulnerable... I can't do that."

She furrows her brows and breathes, "but we've had vulnerable sex before. When I've been vulnerable, when you've been vulnerable. Why is this different?"

"Because..." he tries. "I guess... I don't know, it just feels like it is. I don't want you to regret it in the morning."

"You say that every time," she urges. "I won't regret it. Did you regret it last time you were upset and I made love to you?"

Toby shakes his head. "Of course not."

"Toby...I can't stop thinking about Radley and I can't get the dollhouse out of my head. My brain won't stop screaming at me," she barely whispers. Her voice is especially raspy. "I need you to help me forget. Even if only for a little while."

He bites down on his lip, and ultimately gives in because how can he resist her? If this is what she needs, he'll do anything he can to make it better for her.

Leaning in, Toby closes the distance between their lips. Soon after, their pants are peeling off and so is her shirt; next thing they know, they're each clad in their underwear. It's not much later that that comes off too.

He breathes life into her with every kiss, every lingering touch. It's like Spencer said; she was mentally dead, but at the same time her demons still manage to kill her somehow - day in and day out. She can't shut her mind off for even a second unless medicated, but Toby was proving to her that maybe there was still a silver lining. Maybe there was still a way to be saved.

"I love you too," Spencer finally whispers back to him afterwards, as her eyes drift off to a peaceful sleep. She never thought she'd have that without a drug after everything that's happened. In this moment, it seems that those words have never had more meaning.

And maybe she'll never permanently quiet the noise, but at least for now she knows how to feel free. Spencer can only hope it will be enough for a while.


End file.
